Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
