just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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