Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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