when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
