At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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