its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He passed out mid-signature
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
