I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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