I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
