so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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