he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just want nice things and good sex
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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