he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
