And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
