My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize