I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
