my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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