Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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