Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
