All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Randomize
