something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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