so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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