i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
