Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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