Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
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