is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
