Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
