Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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