the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
