That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
You can't special order awesome
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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