I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
