I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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