Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
