If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize