Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Randomize
