please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
