Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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