You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
