Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
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