I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
