i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
