just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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