Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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