Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Randomize
