she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
