This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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