Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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