i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
