U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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