one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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