I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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