new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
