If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
3pm strippers are depressing
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
