sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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