it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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