Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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