Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
It's rum buckets o'clock
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
