Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
