"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I deserve this hangover.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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