things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
