i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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