So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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