I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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