i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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