So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
