I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
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