I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
