i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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