I will die if light touches me.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
